Position Desired
Writer of unpopular fiction and unsalably-esoteric nonfiction seeks gainful employment.
While I have little-or-no experience with such occupations, I am a quick learner and am certain that I could easily master the complexities of a regular paycheck.
I’ve often heard people complain about the tedium of their jobs but, as my future employer, you need never fear hearing such carping from me. Indeed, I have yet to find any situation in which boredom was an undesired state.
In addition to boredom, loneliness is a highly desirable quality in the employment I seek. As an example of the preparations I’ve made for employment, I have made extensive—no, exhaustive—observations of members of my species. One of the key features I’ve noted is that humans are largely diurnal. Consequently, I am seeking employment in the so-called “graveyard shift.” Working in those hours would almost certainly guarantee that I have minimal contact with customers, clients, colleagues, or superiors.
It is a state devoutly to be wish’d.
The ideal situation would be one in which I have virtually no duties, beyond occupying a chair—and, of course, collecting a paycheck. That chair should be comfortable and proximate to a desk or counter, so there will be sufficient space for my laptop and/or reading material. Unlimited access to coffee, toilet paper, and the usual office stationery would serve as professional perquisites. A telephone would be permissable but—as it is likely to be a business phone—I would prefer that its number be unlisted (and unadvertised).
I should not be expected to answer incoming calls.
Desirable positions might include: night-clerk in a motel located too-far from an Interstate to attract any guests; light-house keeper (preferably one that has an automated lighting system); or night-shift foreman in a factory that does not operate between midnight and eight AM.
Serious offers should be addressed, via these classified pages, to “Bartleby.”
Paid subscribers to these substack pages get access to complete editions of two of my novellas. Noirvella is a modern story of revenge, told in the style of film noir. Unbelievable is a kind of rom-com that forms around a pompous guy who is conceited, misinformed, and undeservedly successful. Both books are sold by Amazon, but paid subscribers get them for free!
Also, substack pages (older than eight months) automatically slip behind a paywall—so only paid subscribers can read them. If you’re interested in reading any of them, you can subscribe, or wait until they are re-released in book form (something I’m in the process of considering).
Meanwhile, it is easy to become a paying subscriber (just like supporting your favorite NPR station). It’s entirely optional, and—even if you choose not to do so—you’ll continue to get my regular substack posts—and I’ll still be happy to have you as a reader.