This week, The New Yorker posted a cartoon that drew its power from a long and familiar angst. The drawing showed a man, sitting in bed, reading a story to his little daughter. The girl has a slightly stunned look in her eyes as her father concludes, “And so, freaked out about the coming election, they moved to France and lived happily ever after.”
It is, after all, the American Way.
We’ve always been a nation of immigrants—we’re only where we are because we (or our ancestors) ran away from somewhere else. It’s in our national DNA to just-git-up-and-leave, get-off-our-asses-and go—or, as Twain put it, more succinctly—“absquatulate.”
The following essay is an excerpt from Cenotaphs, a little book about people running away from whatever-it-is that bugs them. Think of it as perspective.
Expatriotic Fervor
In the months leading up to the 2000 presidential election, liberals prepared for what they believed to be the worst of possible poll results. This was long before anyone had ever heard of hanging chads, or suspected that the Supreme Court might decide that all votes did not need to be counted in Florida. Many people began formulating escape plans—and didn’t mind sharing them with the press.
Alec Baldwin said he “might leave the country if Bush is elected president.” His wife, Kim Basinger, said she expected to go with him.
Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder had even greater concerns. “With three Supreme Court positions opening in the next administration, I’m frightened to think of a Republican in office, especially one raised by a father who was in the CIA.” An escape would be easy for him, since he lived in Seattle, a short hop to beautiful Vancouver.
Barbra Streisand said she’d leave, but didn’t say where she planned to go.
Director Robert Altman was adamant. “If George Bush is elected president, I’m leaving for France.” Pierre Salinger—who had been John F. Kennedy’s press secretary—also planned to move to France (he had a home in Le Thor). “If Bush wins, I’m going to leave the country. I’m going to come back to Washington in January to dispose of my apartment in Georgetown, but otherwise I’ll [go to France to] live for the rest of my life.”
During the next eight years—despite having remained here through two terms of Dubya Bushwhacking—leftists did not act on their plans to abandon the US. They kept them in reserve.
Now they worried McCain could beat Obama. Singer Seal, along with model Heidi Klum, had their bags packed. “If McCain is elected and America staggers on further towards the abyss, then we will leave the country. That is not a problem for us.” Susan Sarandon felt much the same way. She whimpered, “If McCain gets in, it’s going to be very, very dangerous… I’ll be checking out a move to Italy. Maybe Canada, I don’t know. We’re at an abyss.”
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff was more flexible during Obama’s second campaign. “If Obama wins, I will leave the country,” and continued, “If Romney wins, I will leave the country.” He went on to explain his seeming ambivalence: “This is not a political joke; I just want to travel.”
On the other side, conservatives had much to dread from an Obama victory. Right-wing mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh was especially opposed to the Affordable Care Act. He and like-minded Republicans (considering even the president’s name a pejorative term) attempted to discredit it by renaming it “Obamacare.” He said, “I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented—I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.”
Eight years later, the Obama’s administration was winding down. The left—once again—began to prepare for the unthinkable: A Trump presidency. Whoopi Goldberg couldn’t even imagine such a thing happening. “I don’t think that’s America… I don’t want it to be America.” She would take the path less traveled: “Maybe it’s time for me to move, you know… Jesus Christ, I can’t even think about it!” talk show host Amber Rose cried frantically. “I’m moving, I’m out! I can’t. And I am taking my son with me! I would be devastated, to be honest with you!”
Once again, Barbra Streisand wanted to get as far away as possible. Australia seemed like a good bet, ‘though she was open to compromise. She told an Ozzy audience, “I’m either coming to your country—if you’ll let me in—or Canada.”
Looking back to the sixties/selective-service era, perhaps, Canada was first choice among destinations. Canadian actor Bryan Cranston planned to break bad, even ‘though he found it hard to believe Trump might win. “It’s not real to me that that would happen. I hope to God it won’t. It wouldn’t be a vacation. I’d be an expatriate.” Canada appealed to actor-comedian Keegan-Michael Key as well. “It’s like 10 minutes from Detroit… that’s where I’m from; my mom lives there. It’d make her happy, too.”
Emmy winner Lena Dunham agreed, “I know a lovely place in Vancouver and I can get my work done from there.” Sensing doubt in her interviewer, she added, “I know a lot of people have been threatening to do this, but I really will.” Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus said much the same: “I am moving if this is my president! I don’t say things I don’t mean!” The multi–talented former child-star, Raven-Symoné, was even more emphatic. She claimed she already had a ticket: “I literally bought my ticket, I swear.”
Not all liberals planned to move north.
George Lopez’s comedy is based on his Mexican heritage (even though he was born in Los Angeles). He planned to escape in the other direction. A new home, safely on the other side of Trump’s promised wall, was more to his taste. “If he wins, he won’t have to worry about immigration, we’ll all go back.”
Comedian Chelsea Joy Handler announced, “I did buy a house in another country just in case, so all of these people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t—I will leave the country.” Her country of choice was Spain. Comedian Amy Schumer (known, in high school, as “teacher’s worst nightmare”) had the same idea. “It’s beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It’s too crazy. …My act will change because I’ll need to learn to speak Spanish because I will move to Spain, or somewhere.”
“If Donald Trump wins the presidency,” said Actor Omari Latif Hardwick, “…I’m out.” He planned to abandon Denver for Italy.
American actress Meghan Markle was filming her show, Suits, in Toronto in the days leading up to the election. She said she’d leave the US if Trump won… possibly just staying in Canada.
Actor–producer Samuel L. Jackson’s remarks were somewhat more colorful—or off–colorful. “If that motherfucker becomes president, I will move my black ass to South Africa.”
Daily Show comedian, Jon Stewart, and singer–actress Cher had much higher aspirations. He said, “I would consider getting in a rocket and going to another planet because clearly this planet has gone bonkers.” She was more specific, “I’m going to have to leave the planet. If he were to be elected, I’m moving to Jupiter.”
So much public gnashing of teeth (and/or chewing of scenery)! Yet practically none of these professed expatriot wannabees ever fled their fatherland… regardless of the political outcomes they feared. Some doubled back along the revisionist history route, attempting to cover their tracks. Limbaugh said he was only going to Costa Rica for medical care, “…not for life.” He never left Palm Beach, Florida, by the way. Baldwin and Basinger modified their earlier statements, “My wife and I never said unequivocally that we would leave the country if Bush won. Never.” It’s true; they never left the country, but they did leave each other. Robert Altman tweaked his comments as well. “I said that if Bush gets elected, I’ll move to Paris, Texas, because the state will be better off if he’s out of it.”
Only two of these would–be émigrés followed through on their expatriotic ambitions. Meghan Markle went to outrageous lengths to escape Trump’s America. She married into the British royal family.
Pierre Salinger did, in fact, retire to France. He lived out the rest of his life there… but it was not to last. When he died in 2004, his body was brought back to rest in American soil. He’s buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
In the immortal words of the all-too mortal Jim Morrison, “No one here gets out alive.”
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Save room for us...
Excellent wrap-up of the choices that confront us, Gary. Don’t think I’m not looking at Tuscany with longing.